If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
The reverse side also has a reverse side.
Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
A book is like a garden carried in the pocket.
Why did Superman wear his briefs on the outside of his tights?
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!
How many people do you need to consider it a mass suicide/murder?
The average housefly lives for one month.
When your enemy falls, don't rejoice -- but don't pick him up either.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.]
Can blind people see their dreams?
Necrophelia means never having to say... well, anything!
I want patience... AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
Is a sleeping bag a nap sack?
But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!
Alzheimers advantage: New friends every day.
Most nudists are people you do not want to see naked.
If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?
He lied like an eyewitness.
Tell me who you live with and I will tell you who you are.
If at first you do not succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
He who knows nothing, doubts nothing
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why's it still #2?
How come overtones and undertones are the same thing?
Learn from your parents mistakes: use birth control.
If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Do you sleep on your stomach? -no?- Can I?
I have done horrifying things with salad tongs. It is really eaten into my social life.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
I have the answer in my head. I just havent found it yet.
What do you take me for, an idiot? - General Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970), when a journalist asked him if he was happy
Can you fart and burp at the same time?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
Drink wet cement - get stoned.
Is it true that cannibals wo not eat clowns because they taste funny?
Aren't all generalizations false?
Logic merely enables one to be wrong with authority.
Friendship is what binds the world together in peace, may we all become friends.
Being young is a fault that diminishes daily.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail.
He broke my heart...so I broke his jaw.
The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.
Is bad a bad word?
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A tree falls the way it leans.
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you are on.
Can we ever really know when our philosophy assignment is due?
9 out of 10 voices in my head agree that Iam sane.
Why do you press harder on the buttons when the battery in the remote control is dead?
I feel like Iam diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Take everything in moderation. Including moderation.
if the cops arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
IRS Weve got what it takes to take what youve got.
Elvis is dead, Mozart is dead, Einstein is dead, and Iam not feeling so great myself.
You are Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
If you died with braces on would they take them off?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
Does peanut butter really have butter in it?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Everybody lies, but it does not matter since nobody listens.
Whatever happens to you, it will have previously happened to everyone else, only more so.
Haste makes waste.
anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
On the other hand, you have different fingers
How come thaw and unthaw mean the same thing?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
One should go invited to a friend in good fortune, and uninvited in misfortune.
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with Guess on it...so I said Implants?
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have doubts.
Some people have a way with words, others not have way.
The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
If you bear a child, why do you have a cow?
Feather by feather the goose can be plucked.
To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.
Love me, love my dog.
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
How come no matter what color the liquid is the froth is always white?
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.
Life - It is nothing like the Brochure!
If the shoe fits, beat someone senseless with it.
I would like to have more self-esteem, but I do not deserve it.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.
A deaf husband and a blind wife are always a happy couple. - John Florio
Money is not everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Do not abuse marijuana... smoke it gently and carefully.
I can give you a definite perhaps. - Samuel Goldwyn
Federal Expresso: When you absolutely, positively have to stay up all night.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Why do most people put more effort into their wedding than their actual marriage?
More grows in the garden than the gardener knows he has sown.
Corduroy pillows: They are making headlines!
Do not bother me, Iam living happily ever after.
Anger the French. Make tacos.
Elephants wear tu-tus so they can hide in pine trees. Did you ever see an elephant in a pine tree? No? Well then, you know it works.
If you say something is indescribable, isn't that describing it?
Why are pennies bigger than dimes?
7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.
Arkansas State Motto: Do not Ask, Do not Tell, Do not Laugh
If there were a knowledge contest, would the female winner be called Miss Informed?
Carpe Jugulum: Go for the throat. (Terry Pratchett)
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
Why do 'tug'boats push their barges?
If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
Granola. Granola solves everything.
Mankind fears an evil man but heaven does not.
Real knowledge is to know the extent of one own ignorance.
If inert is to be stationary, what is ert?
What do vegetarians feed their dogs?
Christopher Robin Hood steals from the rich and gives to the Pooh.
If a Truck is loaded with Helium, would it weigh less than when it was empty? Wouldn't it get better fuel mileage?
How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?
Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
He who fishes in other mans well often catches crabs
Realize that no matter what you do, the grocery store check-out line you are in will always take the longest.
o succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
If I could lie, I would be in marketing.
Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.
Guns dont kill people, postal workers do.
Why doos shaped macaroni taste better than the normal kind?
And now for some feedback: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Have you seen Quasimodo? I have a hunch he is back!
e always like those who admire us; we do not always like those whom we admire. - Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Good things come to those who wait.
Go now, or forever hold your pee.
Why do they call it a RUNNING BACK when he is running forward?
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Stand on toilet: get high on pot.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Necessity never made a good bargain.
A person who can't lead and won't follow makes a dandy roadblock.
If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.
A friend is someone who doesn't like the same people you do.
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please?
Can a person choke and die on a life savor?
Some people say Iam indifferent, but I do not care.
I do not fear Satan half so much as I fear those who fear him.
Reality is an illusion created by lack of alcohol.
If you're in hell, and are mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
Why are all farms red?
Does it really count in court when an atheist is sworn in under oath using a Bible?
It is lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
No matter how hard you try, you ca not fall off the floor.
He that seeks trouble never misses.
Listen to the sound of the river and you will get a trout.
Worrying never did anyone any good
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But if the doctors cute, screw the fruit
Life is too complicated in the morning.
Fortune tellers are for the poor; psychics are for the rich
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
If Noah had been truly wise, he would have swatted those two flies!
Bill & Hillary are on a sinking ship, who gets saved? The nation.
Theres too much blood in my alcohol system.
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
How do they get the air inside the bubble wrap?
Anger can be an expensive luxury.
What are those little things on the end of your shoelaces called?
Schizophrenia beats being alone
The palest ink is better than the best memory.
Beware of the young doctor and the old barber. - Benjamin Franklin
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies
Only Users Lose Drugs...
Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, does not try it on!
If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?
Knowledge is often mistaken for intelligence. This is like mistaking a cup of milk for a cow.
If London Bridge is standing why is there a song about it falling down?
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth..
If an anarchist group attained political power, would they by principle have to dissolve their own government?
Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?
The power to believe in yourself, is the power to change fate.
Let your heart guide your head in evil matters.
Do stairs go up or down?
When pigs fart, does it smell like bacon?
DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
Better give a penny then lend twenty.
Iam not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
Can good looking Eskimo girls be called hot?
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
AOL for Dummies is kind of redundant, do not you think?
Can someone give up lent for lent?
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Snorting sherbet will not produce the same effect as snorting coke despite the similarity in appearance.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Some days It is not worth chewing through the straps.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Experience is a comb which nature gives to men when they are bald.
You know that the outhouse is in the right place if it seems too close in summer and too far in winter
The fellow who never makes a mistake takes his orders from one who does.
Why is chopsticks one of the easiest songs to play on the piano, but the hardest thing to eat with?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
If At First You Do not Succeed . . . Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
If ignorance is bliss, I guess that would explain why Iam so miserable!
Doubt is the beginning not the end of wisdom.
Fungus is actually alive. Be afraid.
Where are Preparations A through G?
I?m not only weird. I?m gifted too.
A snail can sleep for 3 years.
Do not blame God for having created the tiger, but thank him for not having given it wings
A monkey never thinks her baby's ugly.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why do they call it “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” when they know the answer is going to be everyone?
I love being married. It is so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Pleasure and joy are deceptive
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Even if you are paranoid.. maybe they really are after you.
The statement following is true. The statement prior is false.
Cover me. Im changing lanes
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Is not it scary that doctors call what they do practice?
Einstein said that talking to yourself is a sign of intelligence. Answering yourself, however, is a sign of insanity.
Those who cast the votes decide nothing; those who count the votes decide everything
If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
I intend to live forever. So far so good.
Time is a great healer, but a terrible beautician.
Love, pain, and money cannot be kept secret; they soon betray themselves
It is not that Iam antisocial, I just think everyone should be banished to Uzbekistan.
Life without a friend is death without a witness.
The BEST part of waking up? Hitting the snooze button and going back to sleep.
Work is for people who do not know how to fish.
I lost my mind! I think my kids took it.
If your feet smell and your nose runs, you are built upside down.
Better no doctor at all than three.
Fortune is a woman; if you neglect her today do not expect to regain her tomorrow.
Do babies produce more spit than adults?
If at first you do not succeed, redefine success.
Can a guy named Nick have a 'nick'name?
The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off. - Abe Lemons
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.
He is not wise that is not wise for himself.
Youth and skill are no match for experience and treachery.
Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
He who comes with a story to you brings two away from you.
A fool sees not the same tree that a wise man sees.
Patience is poultice for all wounds
If you learn from your mistakes, then why ain't I a genius ?
I always win. Except win I lose, but then I just do not count it.
Why is the St. Louis baseball team the cardinals, but the Missouri state bird is the blue bird?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity
You cannot unscramble eggs.
I did not fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Nature breaks through the eyes of the cat.
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear??
If something goes without saying, LET IT!
The devil came to me last night and asked what I wanted in exchange for my soul. I still can't believe I said pizza. Friggin' cravings.
Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?
Good as drink is, it ends in thirst.
Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.
Cheerios are donut seeds (^.^)
We've arrived, and to prove it we're here.
When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.
Why is it the TWELVE days of Christmas when there is only one day of Christmas?
Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it. - Tallulah Bankhead
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
Fear all mighty powers of Flab Foo...For my name is...Quait Fautt!
A good pun is its own reword.
A man is not honest simply because he never had a chance to steal.
Do movie producers still say lights, camera, and action when it is a dark scene?
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
Quitters never win, and winners never quit, but those who never quit AND never win are idiots.
Talk of the devil and he is sure to appear.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
He makes his home where the living is best.
Look out for #1, and do not step in #2, either.
Do sore thumbs really stick out?
A hedge between keeps friendship green.
What happens if someone loses a lost and found box?
Happiness is felt by making other people happy.
Why can magicians make things disappear into thin air, but not thick air?
If your not living life on the edge, your wasting space.
Darkness reigns at the foot of the lighthouse.
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth..
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?
Never try to lick a glacier.
It is amazing how much mature wisdom resembles being too tired.
Although married people fax often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.
If you mated a bull dog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?
I would not be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
As the best wine makes the sharpest vinegar, the truest lover may turn into the worst enemy.
Why are there dents in a golf ball?
Do not steal. The government hates competition.
Give me liberty or... OOOooo... A jelly donut !
Granola. Granola solves everything.
just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
I ate a mans brain because he said I was stupider then him, and you know what, now I feel smarter. Is not that neat?
Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
I'm on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it.
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
Why isn’t the Q or the Z included on the phone.
Why is it when we duck they call us chicken?
I am at one with my duality.
Bother!, said Pooh, as he uncovered a hive of Smurfs.
If you choose not to decide - you still have made a choice.
Nearly everything you read signed from God is just somebody putting their words in My mouth. - Go
Stars are not seen by sunshine.
If a dog sweats through his tongue, why does he have armpits?
My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
You can't hatch chickens from fried eggs
on a telephone, why does ABC start on the number 2 and not 1?
I got a fortune cookie once that said You like Chinese food.
Life is a bridge. Cross over it, but build no house on it.
Silence was never written down.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
What happens when you say “hi” to your friend on an airplane who's name is Jack?
Passionate kiss like spiders web soon lead to undoing of fly.
If a woman can be a meter maid, can a man be a meter butler?
I hate advice unless I'm giving it.
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?
If you ca not convince them, confuse them.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Is Disney world the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Why are people allowed to put naked statues outside but why can't we run outside naked?
Many a friend was lost through a joke, but none was ever gained so.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you are still an idiot.
Great fear come from martial art of Ignoriticness...For I am...Lao Zi!
It takes 42 muscels to smile, so instead pick up your middle finger.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge... Others just gargle.
I have friends who swear they dream in color; I say It is just a pigment of their imagination.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?
If you do not want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you wo not have to work. - Ogden Nash
One joy scatters a hundred griefs.
Eagles may soar, but weasels are not sucked into jet engines.
Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend's forehead.
Happiness is like peeing yourself, everyone can see it but only u can feel its warmth!
The reverse side also has a reverse side.
Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
A book is like a garden carried in the pocket.
Why did Superman wear his briefs on the outside of his tights?
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!
How many people do you need to consider it a mass suicide/murder?
The average housefly lives for one month.
When your enemy falls, don't rejoice -- but don't pick him up either.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.]
Can blind people see their dreams?
Necrophelia means never having to say... well, anything!
I want patience... AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
Is a sleeping bag a nap sack?
But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!
Alzheimers advantage: New friends every day.
Most nudists are people you do not want to see naked.
If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?
He lied like an eyewitness.
Tell me who you live with and I will tell you who you are.
If at first you do not succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
He who knows nothing, doubts nothing
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why's it still #2?
How come overtones and undertones are the same thing?
Learn from your parents mistakes: use birth control.
If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Do you sleep on your stomach? -no?- Can I?
I have done horrifying things with salad tongs. It is really eaten into my social life.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
I have the answer in my head. I just havent found it yet.
What do you take me for, an idiot? - General Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970), when a journalist asked him if he was happy
Can you fart and burp at the same time?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
Drink wet cement - get stoned.
Is it true that cannibals wo not eat clowns because they taste funny?
Aren't all generalizations false?
Logic merely enables one to be wrong with authority.
Friendship is what binds the world together in peace, may we all become friends.
Being young is a fault that diminishes daily.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail.
He broke my heart...so I broke his jaw.
The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.
Is bad a bad word?
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A tree falls the way it leans.
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you are on.
Can we ever really know when our philosophy assignment is due?
9 out of 10 voices in my head agree that Iam sane.
Why do you press harder on the buttons when the battery in the remote control is dead?
I feel like Iam diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Take everything in moderation. Including moderation.
if the cops arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
IRS Weve got what it takes to take what youve got.
Elvis is dead, Mozart is dead, Einstein is dead, and Iam not feeling so great myself.
You are Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
If you died with braces on would they take them off?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
Does peanut butter really have butter in it?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Everybody lies, but it does not matter since nobody listens.
Whatever happens to you, it will have previously happened to everyone else, only more so.
Haste makes waste.
anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
On the other hand, you have different fingers
How come thaw and unthaw mean the same thing?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
One should go invited to a friend in good fortune, and uninvited in misfortune.
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with Guess on it...so I said Implants?
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have doubts.
Some people have a way with words, others not have way.
The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
If you bear a child, why do you have a cow?
Feather by feather the goose can be plucked.
To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.
Love me, love my dog.
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
How come no matter what color the liquid is the froth is always white?
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.
Life - It is nothing like the Brochure!
If the shoe fits, beat someone senseless with it.
I would like to have more self-esteem, but I do not deserve it.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.
A deaf husband and a blind wife are always a happy couple. - John Florio
Money is not everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Do not abuse marijuana... smoke it gently and carefully.
I can give you a definite perhaps. - Samuel Goldwyn
Federal Expresso: When you absolutely, positively have to stay up all night.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Why do most people put more effort into their wedding than their actual marriage?
More grows in the garden than the gardener knows he has sown.
Corduroy pillows: They are making headlines!
Do not bother me, Iam living happily ever after.
Anger the French. Make tacos.
Elephants wear tu-tus so they can hide in pine trees. Did you ever see an elephant in a pine tree? No? Well then, you know it works.
If you say something is indescribable, isn't that describing it?
Why are pennies bigger than dimes?
7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.
Arkansas State Motto: Do not Ask, Do not Tell, Do not Laugh
If there were a knowledge contest, would the female winner be called Miss Informed?
Carpe Jugulum: Go for the throat. (Terry Pratchett)
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
Why do 'tug'boats push their barges?
If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
Granola. Granola solves everything.
Mankind fears an evil man but heaven does not.
Real knowledge is to know the extent of one own ignorance.
If inert is to be stationary, what is ert?
What do vegetarians feed their dogs?
Christopher Robin Hood steals from the rich and gives to the Pooh.
If a Truck is loaded with Helium, would it weigh less than when it was empty? Wouldn't it get better fuel mileage?
How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?
Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
He who fishes in other mans well often catches crabs
Realize that no matter what you do, the grocery store check-out line you are in will always take the longest.
o succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
If I could lie, I would be in marketing.
Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.
Guns dont kill people, postal workers do.
Why doos shaped macaroni taste better than the normal kind?
And now for some feedback: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Have you seen Quasimodo? I have a hunch he is back!
e always like those who admire us; we do not always like those whom we admire. - Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Good things come to those who wait.
Go now, or forever hold your pee.
Why do they call it a RUNNING BACK when he is running forward?
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Stand on toilet: get high on pot.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Necessity never made a good bargain.
A person who can't lead and won't follow makes a dandy roadblock.
If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.
A friend is someone who doesn't like the same people you do.
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please?
Can a person choke and die on a life savor?
Some people say Iam indifferent, but I do not care.
I do not fear Satan half so much as I fear those who fear him.
Reality is an illusion created by lack of alcohol.
If you're in hell, and are mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
Why are all farms red?
Does it really count in court when an atheist is sworn in under oath using a Bible?
It is lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
No matter how hard you try, you ca not fall off the floor.
He that seeks trouble never misses.
Listen to the sound of the river and you will get a trout.
Worrying never did anyone any good
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But if the doctors cute, screw the fruit
Life is too complicated in the morning.
Fortune tellers are for the poor; psychics are for the rich
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
If Noah had been truly wise, he would have swatted those two flies!
Bill & Hillary are on a sinking ship, who gets saved? The nation.
Theres too much blood in my alcohol system.
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
How do they get the air inside the bubble wrap?
Anger can be an expensive luxury.
What are those little things on the end of your shoelaces called?
Schizophrenia beats being alone
The palest ink is better than the best memory.
Beware of the young doctor and the old barber. - Benjamin Franklin
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies
Only Users Lose Drugs...
Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, does not try it on!
If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?
Knowledge is often mistaken for intelligence. This is like mistaking a cup of milk for a cow.
If London Bridge is standing why is there a song about it falling down?
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth..
If an anarchist group attained political power, would they by principle have to dissolve their own government?
Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?
The power to believe in yourself, is the power to change fate.
Let your heart guide your head in evil matters.
Do stairs go up or down?
When pigs fart, does it smell like bacon?
DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
Better give a penny then lend twenty.
Iam not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
Can good looking Eskimo girls be called hot?
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
AOL for Dummies is kind of redundant, do not you think?
Can someone give up lent for lent?
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Snorting sherbet will not produce the same effect as snorting coke despite the similarity in appearance.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Some days It is not worth chewing through the straps.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Experience is a comb which nature gives to men when they are bald.
You know that the outhouse is in the right place if it seems too close in summer and too far in winter
The fellow who never makes a mistake takes his orders from one who does.
Why is chopsticks one of the easiest songs to play on the piano, but the hardest thing to eat with?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
If At First You Do not Succeed . . . Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
If ignorance is bliss, I guess that would explain why Iam so miserable!
Doubt is the beginning not the end of wisdom.
Fungus is actually alive. Be afraid.
Where are Preparations A through G?
I?m not only weird. I?m gifted too.
A snail can sleep for 3 years.
Do not blame God for having created the tiger, but thank him for not having given it wings
A monkey never thinks her baby's ugly.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why do they call it “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” when they know the answer is going to be everyone?
I love being married. It is so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Pleasure and joy are deceptive
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Even if you are paranoid.. maybe they really are after you.
The statement following is true. The statement prior is false.
Cover me. Im changing lanes
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Is not it scary that doctors call what they do practice?
Einstein said that talking to yourself is a sign of intelligence. Answering yourself, however, is a sign of insanity.
Those who cast the votes decide nothing; those who count the votes decide everything
If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
I intend to live forever. So far so good.
Time is a great healer, but a terrible beautician.
Love, pain, and money cannot be kept secret; they soon betray themselves
It is not that Iam antisocial, I just think everyone should be banished to Uzbekistan.
Life without a friend is death without a witness.
The BEST part of waking up? Hitting the snooze button and going back to sleep.
Work is for people who do not know how to fish.
I lost my mind! I think my kids took it.
If your feet smell and your nose runs, you are built upside down.
Better no doctor at all than three.
Fortune is a woman; if you neglect her today do not expect to regain her tomorrow.
Do babies produce more spit than adults?
If at first you do not succeed, redefine success.
Can a guy named Nick have a 'nick'name?
The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off. - Abe Lemons
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.
He is not wise that is not wise for himself.
Youth and skill are no match for experience and treachery.
Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
He who comes with a story to you brings two away from you.
A fool sees not the same tree that a wise man sees.
Patience is poultice for all wounds
If you learn from your mistakes, then why ain't I a genius ?
I always win. Except win I lose, but then I just do not count it.
Why is the St. Louis baseball team the cardinals, but the Missouri state bird is the blue bird?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity
You cannot unscramble eggs.
I did not fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Nature breaks through the eyes of the cat.
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear??
If something goes without saying, LET IT!
The devil came to me last night and asked what I wanted in exchange for my soul. I still can't believe I said pizza. Friggin' cravings.
Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?
Good as drink is, it ends in thirst.
Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.
Cheerios are donut seeds (^.^)
We've arrived, and to prove it we're here.
When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.
Why is it the TWELVE days of Christmas when there is only one day of Christmas?
Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it. - Tallulah Bankhead
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
Fear all mighty powers of Flab Foo...For my name is...Quait Fautt!
A good pun is its own reword.
A man is not honest simply because he never had a chance to steal.
Do movie producers still say lights, camera, and action when it is a dark scene?
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
Quitters never win, and winners never quit, but those who never quit AND never win are idiots.
Talk of the devil and he is sure to appear.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
He makes his home where the living is best.
Look out for #1, and do not step in #2, either.
Do sore thumbs really stick out?
A hedge between keeps friendship green.
What happens if someone loses a lost and found box?
Happiness is felt by making other people happy.
Why can magicians make things disappear into thin air, but not thick air?
If your not living life on the edge, your wasting space.
Darkness reigns at the foot of the lighthouse.
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth..
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?
Never try to lick a glacier.
It is amazing how much mature wisdom resembles being too tired.
Although married people fax often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.
If you mated a bull dog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?
I would not be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
As the best wine makes the sharpest vinegar, the truest lover may turn into the worst enemy.
Why are there dents in a golf ball?
Do not steal. The government hates competition.
Give me liberty or... OOOooo... A jelly donut !
Granola. Granola solves everything.
just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
I ate a mans brain because he said I was stupider then him, and you know what, now I feel smarter. Is not that neat?
Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
I'm on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it.
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
Why isn’t the Q or the Z included on the phone.
Why is it when we duck they call us chicken?
I am at one with my duality.
Bother!, said Pooh, as he uncovered a hive of Smurfs.
If you choose not to decide - you still have made a choice.
Nearly everything you read signed from God is just somebody putting their words in My mouth. - Go
Stars are not seen by sunshine.
If a dog sweats through his tongue, why does he have armpits?
My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
You can't hatch chickens from fried eggs
on a telephone, why does ABC start on the number 2 and not 1?
I got a fortune cookie once that said You like Chinese food.
Life is a bridge. Cross over it, but build no house on it.
Silence was never written down.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
What happens when you say “hi” to your friend on an airplane who's name is Jack?
Passionate kiss like spiders web soon lead to undoing of fly.
If a woman can be a meter maid, can a man be a meter butler?
I hate advice unless I'm giving it.
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?
If you ca not convince them, confuse them.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Is Disney world the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Why are people allowed to put naked statues outside but why can't we run outside naked?
Many a friend was lost through a joke, but none was ever gained so.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you are still an idiot.
Great fear come from martial art of Ignoriticness...For I am...Lao Zi!
It takes 42 muscels to smile, so instead pick up your middle finger.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge... Others just gargle.
I have friends who swear they dream in color; I say It is just a pigment of their imagination.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?
If you do not want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you wo not have to work. - Ogden Nash
One joy scatters a hundred griefs.
Eagles may soar, but weasels are not sucked into jet engines.
Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend's forehead.
Happiness is like peeing yourself, everyone can see it but only u can feel its warmth!
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